Welcome...Part Deux

So are you all fixed up yet?

This was the question I had for Sandy just about every other day. I was just so in love with her (and to be honest because of the anxiety I definitely veered into an unhealthy obsession at one point), and thought she was so perfect for me that I couldn't imagine that God wasn't going to fix this up right away. After all, I had done what He wanted, I put my coin in the God vending machine, it was time to get my prize, right?

Of course that isn't the way it works at all. That surrender to God was only the first step in what is going to be a very long road for me. Nope, I didn't get the girl, and bags of money didn't fall on me, and the anxiety and insomnia still plagued me. What I did do, slowly but surely, was start trusting God and stop trying to figure everything out myself. Over the weeks since that moment, I've learned just how much I'd been missing all this time and just how much of a mess I really was. Little by little as I leaned more into Him, God showed me the real me.

I learned just how much I screwed up in my marriage and what never to do again. I learned that I'm capable of trusting God and taking leaps of faith (like joining choir at church) that I couldn't have done just a year or two ago. I learned just how many idols I had in my life that took my focus off of God and got me in trouble in the first place. Tremendously important for me, I learned just how much my self-esteem and sense of self-worth were based on whether or not I was in a relationship, who I was in a relationship with, and my job and the work that I do.  Finally, and most importantly, I learned just how much God loved me and how willing He was to stick with me until I finally "got it."

Well thanks for telling us about Sandy, but are you fixed up yet?

I guess I'm on my way to being "fixed", but I don't think I'm there yet by any means. With the massive anxiety and insomnia that hit me I decided to work on spirit, soul and body.  For the spirit, as I've already mentioned, I went to God and dove in deep with my church. For the soul (mind), I went to a Christian therapist and starting reading books about fixing the mind (Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer has been by far the most helpful).  I also started spending a lot of time watching various Bible teachers (once again Joyce Meyer being the most helpful in this area.) and got to work applying what I was learning. For the body, I went to the doctor and got put on Zoloft and Xanax (to help me sleep).  My goal is to be off the Zoloft by the end of 6 months and I've already gotten off the Xanax (amazing how quickly you become dependent on that stuff!).  In addition to the medicine (and to that I've added some very helpful herbal supplements), I've also started exercising a lot (which has been very helpful in warding off the insomnia. 

I'll go into more about my fight against anxiety & insomnia in later posts but for now I'll say I honestly think I really did need all 3 of these areas worked on before I got relief.  Without the Zoloft I'm not sure I'd have gotten calmed down enough to start reading the books I needed to get "a hold of myself". Without the counseling and the books it probably would've taken a lot longer before I got at some of the root issues behind this.  Finally, without God all of the other issues I've had would've still been there, I wouldn't have had the base of peace that got me through, I certainly wouldn't be on my way to recovery now, and of course my life would've been heading for disaster still. 

OK I think this is enough for a beginning...

I have a lot more to add in the future, but this will do for now I think.  I just needed to get my feet wet, and get comfortable with this whole baring my soul thing.  Sort of hoping not to have posts this long (1 and 2 combined) in the future, but knowing me, there's a pretty good chance I will. 

Part One of this post is available here

Welcome! :)

Starting is the Hardest part...

Hi and welcome to my new blog! I've been struggling with starting this for the better part of a month now, and I'm finally getting this first post out of the way. Why has it been so difficult to get moving? Mostly because I cared (way too much) about what everyone thought about me.  I know I have a lot of non-christian friends out there and I'd just as soon not scare y'all away. At the end of the day though, I have to be true to what I feel God has placed on my heart and have to go forward no matter regardless of the consequences. That doesn't mean that this blog or my posts will be all-God all-the-time, I'll still post just as many pictures of my grandson, horrible puns, and bad engrish as I did before.  I just also will be posting my journey and struggles along with it in the hopes that maybe there will be one or two people out there that'll see this and think "if God could reach him, maybe I can make it too!" Oh and I apologize for the length of this, they won't normally be this long and rambling...I promise (mostly lol).

How did I get here???

As some of you know, beginning in mid-May I was hit with severe anxiety and insomnia to the point that I couldn't function either at work or home. It was the cumulative effect of knowing the company I worked for was about to sell (so the job I'd had for twelve plus years was going away), residual grief from my dad's passing in September, and the end of the best relationship I've ever been in (combined with a horrible weekend when we broke up that included one of my dogs getting hit and killed by a car). My mind simply couldn't handle it all and went into overload trying to "fix" everything (of course none of it was fixable).

This was the question I asked myself over and over..."how exactly did I get in this mess?" My mom and dad had passed away, my best friend (my girlfriend), was done with me, I was twice-divorced, and the job that I had devoted half of my working life to and had put my heart and soul in (I wrote probably 65% of the applications in use at the company) was going, going, gone. What did I have left? (now is the point where I'll mention things weren't that bad, millions of people have it far worse, but as anyone who has been through a moment like this can tell you--you don't look at the good stuff at that moment...everything sucks!) I drove home the Monday after this horrible weekend (and a anxiety-filled day at work with several panic attacks) at the lowest and loneliest point I've ever been. At that moment I believed even God was done with me (and why wouldn't He be...I'd been pretty much ignoring Him since Dad passed away...and before that I gave Him only lip-service). That was it, I was completely alone (of course forgetting my wonderful daughter & grandson, my step-mother, my cousins and everyone else around me...like I said, I was in a bad place).

Driving home that night I was overcome with grief and loneliness--grief for the father and the girlfriend (who to that point in my mind had been my future wife) I'd lost, my plans for the future that were ruined, the loss of by far the best relationship I'd ever been in...and tremendous loneliness.  I felt like I was on a ship that was sinking and everyone had taken the lifeboats. In desperation I cried out to God in anguish and tears "Help me God...I need you.  Jesus I need you, I surrender."  I spent the rest of the drive home crying (can't imagine what I looked like to cars driving by me on I-94) and being shown exactly where I'd gone wrong over the years...confessing the litany of sins and missteps I'd taken was one of the most freeing moments of my life.  Knowing at that moment that God loved me despite all that I had done, despite ignoring Him for years, despite spitting on every gift He'd given me the most wonderful, precious thing I've ever experienced. That was the moment everything changed for me...

Tahquamenon Falls, Paradise MI

So everything is perfect now, right???

So of course now that I've completely surrendered to God, confessed all my sins and fully committed to Him that means everything gets fixed right? No more anxiety, I get Sandy back, and immediately my career is back on track, right? I mean I wasn't looking for miracles here, didn't expect my mom and dad to show up at my front door, the things I wanted were all easily doable (especially for God!) and of course I was going to get that right away! 

My brain...my brain under construction, any questions?

Not so fast there...

I called up Sandy all excited when I got home, thinking that this HAD to mean that we were back "on". Yeah, not so much...while she was happy for me, the reason for her ending our relationship had to do with her and things she need to do for herself--not anything to do with me getting "repaired". And oh yeah, the anxiety...it got worse, not better. Insomnia was added on to it too...and my job situation started looking worse too.  Those storms were all in my mind though, underneath it all I had a calm I hadn't felt in years.  Still the storms took their toll...and slowly I realized that this was going to be a work in process.  That I wasn't going to get everything I wanted right when I wanted it. 

Some things I did get right away though...I had a bad temper, especially at work, that immediately was gone.  I had gotten into a habit of swearing a lot, it was gone completely too, without me even trying not to.  Most importantly for me, a 27+ year addiction to pornography was completely eradicated. This was something I had battled for most of my Christian life, hating it, hating myself for doing it, getting some temporary freedom from it occasionally through a lot of study and restraint but always having to fight the urge. Even the urge was gone now...this was one of the greatest victories I'd ever experienced...and I had almost nothing to do with it!

So where did I go from there???

You'll have to stay tuned...this post is long enough as it is!