Welcome...Part Deux

So are you all fixed up yet?

This was the question I had for Sandy just about every other day. I was just so in love with her (and to be honest because of the anxiety I definitely veered into an unhealthy obsession at one point), and thought she was so perfect for me that I couldn't imagine that God wasn't going to fix this up right away. After all, I had done what He wanted, I put my coin in the God vending machine, it was time to get my prize, right?

Of course that isn't the way it works at all. That surrender to God was only the first step in what is going to be a very long road for me. Nope, I didn't get the girl, and bags of money didn't fall on me, and the anxiety and insomnia still plagued me. What I did do, slowly but surely, was start trusting God and stop trying to figure everything out myself. Over the weeks since that moment, I've learned just how much I'd been missing all this time and just how much of a mess I really was. Little by little as I leaned more into Him, God showed me the real me.

I learned just how much I screwed up in my marriage and what never to do again. I learned that I'm capable of trusting God and taking leaps of faith (like joining choir at church) that I couldn't have done just a year or two ago. I learned just how many idols I had in my life that took my focus off of God and got me in trouble in the first place. Tremendously important for me, I learned just how much my self-esteem and sense of self-worth were based on whether or not I was in a relationship, who I was in a relationship with, and my job and the work that I do.  Finally, and most importantly, I learned just how much God loved me and how willing He was to stick with me until I finally "got it."

Well thanks for telling us about Sandy, but are you fixed up yet?

I guess I'm on my way to being "fixed", but I don't think I'm there yet by any means. With the massive anxiety and insomnia that hit me I decided to work on spirit, soul and body.  For the spirit, as I've already mentioned, I went to God and dove in deep with my church. For the soul (mind), I went to a Christian therapist and starting reading books about fixing the mind (Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer has been by far the most helpful).  I also started spending a lot of time watching various Bible teachers (once again Joyce Meyer being the most helpful in this area.) and got to work applying what I was learning. For the body, I went to the doctor and got put on Zoloft and Xanax (to help me sleep).  My goal is to be off the Zoloft by the end of 6 months and I've already gotten off the Xanax (amazing how quickly you become dependent on that stuff!).  In addition to the medicine (and to that I've added some very helpful herbal supplements), I've also started exercising a lot (which has been very helpful in warding off the insomnia. 

I'll go into more about my fight against anxiety & insomnia in later posts but for now I'll say I honestly think I really did need all 3 of these areas worked on before I got relief.  Without the Zoloft I'm not sure I'd have gotten calmed down enough to start reading the books I needed to get "a hold of myself". Without the counseling and the books it probably would've taken a lot longer before I got at some of the root issues behind this.  Finally, without God all of the other issues I've had would've still been there, I wouldn't have had the base of peace that got me through, I certainly wouldn't be on my way to recovery now, and of course my life would've been heading for disaster still. 

OK I think this is enough for a beginning...

I have a lot more to add in the future, but this will do for now I think.  I just needed to get my feet wet, and get comfortable with this whole baring my soul thing.  Sort of hoping not to have posts this long (1 and 2 combined) in the future, but knowing me, there's a pretty good chance I will. 

Part One of this post is available here